YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME (re-post)
It never ceases to amaze me that I can still be floored by the defiance in that woman, whom I love with all my heart, and whom, God forgive me, I hate with just a smidge less passion. I have thought many times after a confrontation with her that this must be what parents of murderers, child molesters, and rapists; parents of people clearly guilty of heinous crimes, must feel. Amazed.
I look at her in wonder that I could have birthed her, raised her, taught her, loved her, just as I had my other three children, and yet, she is barely recognizable to me. It is a “who are you and what did you do with my daughter” type of moment.
I am asking her if she’s happy with her choice to abandon her children to follow a man worthy of no such devotion, as he has mooched and stolen from, lied to and abused her. I am offering to give her a ride back to our city so that she may be close to her children, whom I and their grandfather are now raising, so that she may redeem herself with them and be the mother they need and hurt for. I assure her that we will be responsible for them; she need only show them love. I warn her that her children will bear the scars of the abandonment in some way.
I see no remorse in her face, only defiance. She wants what she wants and will have what she wants. I am not the boss of her. I am more fortunate than those parents of people who commit serious and heinous crimes. My daughter is not guilty of a crime that would put her behind bars. At least not at this point. She is guilty of lacking any humility what-so-ever., of refusing authority of any kind, of being self-centered and irresponsible. She is guilty of emotionally damaging six precious children.
Her loss is our gain. Though the children range in age from 5 to 12 years, it was like birthing sextuplets. Half a dozen people added to our household. They are hard work, they are much expense, they are extremely exhausting, they are funny, they are sweetness, and they are wonderful, priceless blessings.
As I stand at this precipice, I wonder what it is that I did wrong, or what I could have done differently to turn my child’s path to one where recognition of her self-worth would have lead her to success in relational, financial and spiritual areas. I know in my heart that all parents of wayward children have the same questions.
I haven’t any statistics to prove it, and I am not a psychologist, but I would imagine that most incarcerated persons and those raising families on welfare because they lack character are doing so because of an unwillingness to submit to any authority. Not submitting to authority caused the lack of knowledge and of self-control, that would have led to the realization of his or her self-worth.
Was it the parents, teachers, employers, church elders or God who was ignored, scoffed at or defied? Was it all of the above? What creates the defiant spirit within us? I want to explore the answer to these questions because, quite honestly, I only have maybe 4 or 5 years before I may have to look at raising great-grandchildren if, through my husband and I, our grandchildren do not learn to submit to authority. Not only in outward obedience, but in spirit. I must say, this effort is in earnest!
If I were to be able to talk to my daughter, at a time when her heart and mind were open and receptive to me I would want, not to lecture, but to plead with her to forgive me for not teaching her from infancy that the empty hole inside herself must be filled with none other than God Himself. He created every one of us with that hole. All else we try will not satisfy. It is true, it is true, it is true. To all the hurting inmates, and lawless, disobedient, and broken hearts; listen up! It is true. And He is our “loving” authority. He loves us and wants us to be obedient because He has much to teach us, to keep us from Satan’s trap.
The Bible in 1Peter 5:8 it says “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
I would say to her:
My Darling Daughter,
I miss you terribly. The you that had heart and soul and love for your children, and the elderly and disabled people you cared for. The you who wanted to rescue family members in trouble though you had no resources. The you who tried so hard to do whatever would make your man happy while still taking care of all the responsibilities of a single mom since the man was not willing to be a provider, a dad, or even a babysitter while you worked. I miss the you who persevered to work and provide for those children while day care and school closings and sick children kept calling you away. I miss the you with those admirable character traits.
I apologize for judging you when finally the battle was too much for you and you stopped trying to do the right thing. You are surviving now by way of just belonging to a group that accepts any and all you do. You don’t have a battle to fight there. What a relief for you. No one is the boss of you.
But, Daughter, I want to explain that our great love for you was the reason we tried to advise you. It was never a control issue.
Advice was meant to help prevent you from making mistakes. Mistakes are errors in choices you make that take you a step backward, or maybe even a mile or two backward from where you were originally. Surely your intent was not to go there. Do you resent us for this or do you just not recognize it as advice, but see it as control?
So what about your self-worth? Feeling that you have failed to meet the expectations of your parents or teachers, failed to secure the love of a good spouse, failed to find a lucrative way to provide for your children or even yourself alone. All of these things are on your heart and mind and are saying to you that you are unworthy of a better life.
This is Satan’s ploy to keep you from reaching for any goal worth reaching and to keep you from feeling worthy of love. Satan says, “Someone is trying to control you.” Listen closely. It is him!
God says that He loves you. God is using people in authority to teach you about His love for you. Advice from parents, teachers, pastors, employers, are all about showing you how to take forward steps. Their authority comes from having knowledge that you don’t. We don’t blame you for not having knowledge. We are trying to give you what you don’t have.
God and Satan are in a fierce battle for your heart and soul. This should show you how valuable you are to both of them. I repeat, you are worth a great deal and a battle is going on right now for your heart and soul. Satan knows that if he can plant a rebellious seed in your heart, he has a good chance of winning the battle. Why does he want to win your soul?
Satan was a prince in heaven who fell from grace when he exhibited jealousy and hatred toward God because of God’s authority. The Creator of all things would naturally be in authority over them. God is good, fair and just. There can be no evil in His perfect heaven. When he fell from grace, Satan took as many with him as he could influence with his evil ways. Then he started on God’s finest creation. Man. He has ruled this earth ever since. He entices you to join him and attain the desires of your heart here and now. “Go for it,” he says. Money, sex, luxury living. You can have what you want, when you want, no guilt. All you have to do is resist the efforts of the “advisors” in your life.
Daughter, I am not the boss of you. It is advice I give you now. That empty hole will not be filled with anything that is not God. Ask Him to forgive your defiance, humble yourself to accept His Son’s sacrifice and His authority over your life. Life with him in His perfect heaven will heal the hurt in your heart. You can count on His promises.
He is the boss of me. If you’ve got to have one, why not choose Him, the one that loves you even more than I do?
Love,
Mom
